White House Press Release

· humour

Press Release

THE White House


President Trump puts the “T” into THE United States of America


President Trump announced today a major re-branding initiative for THE Government of the USA.

The President, addressing The White House Press Corps, said that for too long, The United States has been like the cowardly lion – no heart, and afraid of its own shadow. Continuing with the Wizard of Oz metaphor, President Trump said that he will rid the media of its tendency to consider THE USA a Wicked Wallflower Witch. “We are going to take our place in THE world community of nations,” he said, pointing out that, “there may well be many countries on this planet, but that this is THE country.” He said that he is giving total warning to the media and its journalists to “get the pronoun right. The first time.”

Elements of the new branding campaign are widespread and profound. For example, the White House will now be known as The White House. The new stationery has been ordered, from an American supplier. But there are larger implications. The country will now identify itself as THE United States of America, or TUSA – for short. If “America” is used, President Trump says, the reference should be to “The Great America” – in order to distinguish it from the other countries of the Americas such as Venezuela, Chile, and Canada. ” The Great Union will now be known as THE Fabulous Fifty States,” said the President.

Citizens of TUSA can also expect to see changes in their postage stamps and currency. Effective immediately, all postage stamp supplies will be destroyed. They will be replaced with stamps bearing the name TUSA. And currency of The Great America will be replaced, now carrying the slogan “We are Great Again.” That will replace the phrase “In God We Trust.” “At the moment,” said the President, “we have no plans to change the flag.”

The President was asked if he had other ideas about re-branding. He answered by saying that he was giving serious thought to re-naming the “District of Columbia” to THE Heart of America. Also, he said he was toying with the idea of declaring the nations of the Caribbean, “Protectorate of THE America.” He went on to say that given that THE America will be first on Mars, it makes simple sense that it should be the 51st state.

As the press conference was winding up, a journalist from the Washington Post asked if there was any significance to the fact that a capital “T” would appear predominant in all things related to The USA. The president answered that this was the sort of neo-communism statement he had come to expect from the alt.press. The reporter was asked to leave.

Following the press conference, a reception was held in the rotunda, featuring American grown tea and a delicious native-grown banana loaf.





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